Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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