things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
