The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
