so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
