Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
