Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize