i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
