i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
