I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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