nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize