Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
