im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
