I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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