I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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