I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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