Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
