'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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