she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
