I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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