rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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