I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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