I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
