I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
