Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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