can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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