You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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