He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
