Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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