I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
