just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
