Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
