Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just invented taco cereal.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
