i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
