I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Houston, we have a squirter
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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