I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
