i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
