So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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