I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
