I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
