You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
