I met the friendliest cop last night
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
