Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
