when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
