I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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