An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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