I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
