Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
