Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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