Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
