he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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