He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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