I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
