I want to make a zoo with you.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
