dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
