Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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