I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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