just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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