My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
